Frequently Asked Questions
Q. I'm offended.
A. That's not a question
Q. What's up with pre-orders?
A. We only do one production run per year, so once we're sold out, that Pornament is no más. Pre-ordering just guarantees your spot for next year. Your card is processed when the order is placed...think of it like Kickstarter but you'll actually get the product. We anticipate pre-orders will be delivered in October 2020. We'll also keep you updated along the way.
Q. What's the record for the most Pornaments purchased?
A. Some psychopath ordered 51
Q. What's your return policy?
A. So far only one person has asked to return their Pornaments (out of thousands of orders), so think long and hard if you want to join their lowly rank. If the answer is still yes, then just shoot us an email within 30 days of the order being placed, and we'll send you instructions to return the ornament and refund your money (minus the cost of shipping).
Q. How big are these things?
A. Pretty dang big. On average they're about 5-7" tall by 2-3" wide. The sizes are also listed with the description of each ornament.
Q. How much is shipping?
A. Shipping is a flat $5, but you can always choose to pay more for expedited shipping. Or buy more than $50 worth of ornaments and the shipping is FREE.
Q. Mine showed up broke and now you've ruined my Christmas.
A. Again, not a question, but email us at firstname.lastname@example.org and we'll figure something out
Q. Who came up with this?
A. A real sick son of a bitch
Q. Do you ship outside of the US?
A. Not yet, we are going to dominate the market for R Rated ornaments in the United States before spreading our filth across the rest of the world
Q. Are the Pornaments hand painted?
A. Yes they are. Imagine the look on that poor Pornament painter's face when this order came through the factory
Q. How long before I receive these beauties?
A. We will ship them out in 1-2 business days. It's in God's hands beyond that.
Q. I feel like I've seen these somewhere else before?
A. You may have. A different company tried launching Pornaments a few years ago, but realized they were too hot to handle. So we put on our oven mitts and relaunched the brand in October 2019.
Q. You're sold out of the one I want. Give me what I want right now!
A. We already made our production run for 2019. New Pornaments won't be available until Fall 2020. Feel free to pre-order so you don't miss out next year, or sign up for our email list. P.S. That wasn't a question either